26 Aug 2023

listening to: 2AM -- Animal Crossing: Wild World

drinking: water

feeling: calm

i've spent the evening sitting in bed going down neocities rabbit holes. my favourites have been a site that plays the Animal Crossing hourly music in real time, and thiswebsitewillselfdestruct. i've had a lot of fun clicking through and reading people's messages, and occasionally leaving a few of my own.

i've decided i'm going to start a journal / blog / diary / whatever you want to call it for my neocities. i already keep a paper-and-ink journal, which is mostly Personal and Emotional Shit that i am old enough to know not to put on the internet these days lol, so it'll be interesting to see what i end up deciding to share here. maybe it'll just be musings on whatever i'm reading or playing currently. who knows! certainly not me.

i can get a bit ... neurotic about documenting my life. for almost as long as i can remember, i've held this fear that if i don't have a record of what i've experienced, it's almost the same as if it never happened at all. i'm a bit better about it than i used to be, but it still saddens me to think about all memories that have slipped through my grasp. i didn't start keeping a journal until i was fifteen, when a friend gifted me a cheap notebook for my birthday, but i didn't start journalling with anything resembling consistency until i was maybe ... 17 ? or 18? as a pre-teen i spent all my free time on deviantART, and years later it feels like a gift to have my life documented in the journals i posted there -- the enthusiasm, the angst, the chaos, the huge life changes that come with being 11/12/13 years old. i love getting snippets of insight into what my life looked like half a lifetime ago; the music i listened to, the casual routines of holding a squirming baby in my lap while i tried to read a book, the day-to-day drama at school. all of the little things that were really the big things that don't exist in the picture of my life as it is today.

maybe this is all a little melodramatic or maudlin. i don't know. it's almost three in the morning, and i really should go to bed (i'm meant to be going for a walk along the waterfront with my friend tomorrow) but i'm enjoying the peace that comes with this time of night.