i first played Xenoblade 2 in September 2020, shortly after beating Xenoblade 1 for the first time. i have... VERY mixed emotions about it. the plot is slow to start and all over the place, especially in the early game. the combat system is SO unnecessarily convoluted, and poorly explained -- if it's explained at all. i put maybe 90 hours into this game all up, and never really understood how to utilise elemental orbs or chain attacks, which is an issue when the combat is designed around them; battles become infinitely longer and more difficult if you can't use them well. the blade gacha / blade switch system was just ... too much for me to wrap my head around (i may be stupid), so i found a couple of blades that i liked early on in the game and stuck with them throughout.

there were just a few too many aspects of Xenoblade 2 that made it frustrating to play for me to fully enjoy my experience with it. i recognise that many of my biggest gripes with the game are a result of the development team being short-staffed and having a rushed development schedule; considering the circumstances they did an excellent job, but at the same time i would call some aspects of the game objectively bad game design. i don't think a player should have to know a game's development conditions in order to understand why parts of the game aren't as good as they could have been.

and yet. Xenoblade 2 has an astounding abundance of heart. the jank and the frustration is worth it for the poignant story that it tells, and when the plot hits by god does it hit. it deals with themes of self-worth and finding one's own place in this world, and to this day no game has ever made me cry as hard as Xenoblade 2. i consider the ending an emotional self-destruct button; i once cried so hard playing it that my flatmate heard me from upstairs and came to make sure i was alright.

i also have a bizarre relationship with this game emotionally, because it inadvertently became my comfort media during a really rough time in my life. (this next bit is self-indulgent personal shit; CW for mentions of cancer and death)

i was playing through the end of Chapter 6 when my dad called to tell me that my grandmother was in hospital with cancer; they'd found five tumours in her lungs and seven in her brain. i had never heard my dad so distraught before. i called my friends, who came over to support me, but i didn't know how to be comforted so i just fired up Xenoblade 2 again to show them the battle announcer voice.

as spring melted into summer, my nan got worse. her cancer was terminal; she was moved from hospital to hospice. we visited her almost every day over the course of the summer, and watching her condition deteriorate towards the inevitable was one of the most difficult things i've ever had to do. i would do it again in a heartbeat.

the afternoon she died, my dad walked into my room and just Looked at me, and i knew. i borrowed my sister's bike and went for a ride through the streets of my small town; it was late afternoon at the height of summer, and the golden light streaming through the trees made the world feel more peaceful than it had any right to be. i listened to the title theme of Xenoblade 2, Where We Used To Be on repeat for the entirety of that bike ride; later, any time i wanted to process my grief about my nan, i would listen to that song. it's such a beautiful, melancholy piece, and to this day i cannot hear it without thinking of her.